Congratulations, You Gave Everyone In The World A Vote In The General Election — Here's Who They Voted For (Spoiler: Not The Greens)

The Progressive Paradise That Wasn't

Oh, the sweet, sweet irony. Remember when giving "all residents" the vote seemed like such a wonderfully progressive idea? When Extinction Rebellion activists and sociology graduates across the nation practically wet themselves with excitement at the prospect of a truly "inclusive democracy"?

Well, congratulations. You got exactly what you asked for.

Last Thursday's general election results are in, and they're absolutely hilarious. The Green Party, having successfully campaigned to extend voting rights to every single person physically present in the UK regardless of citizenship status, managed to secure a whopping 2.3% of the vote. That's down from their previous 7%, which is quite an achievement when you consider they literally created millions of new voters.

Turns out those new voters had some rather different priorities than carbon neutrality and preferred pronouns.

The Voters You Didn't Expect

Meet the new British electorate, courtesy of Green Party immigration policy. There's Dmitri from Vladivostok, who's been here three weeks and voted straight Conservative because "at least they understand strong borders." There's Ahmed from Karachi, who cast his ballot for the "Traditional Values Party" (a new formation that sprung up approximately five minutes after the voting eligibility changes were announced). And there's Mrs. Kowalski from Gdansk, who voted for whatever party promised to bring back hanging.

None of them voted Green. Funny, that.

"We're absolutely devastated," sobs Tarquin Moonwhisper-Jones, 23, who organised the "Votes for All" campaign from his parents' Islington townhouse. "We genuinely thought that once people experienced true democracy, they'd naturally gravitate towards our message of climate justice and social equality."

Bless. Someone clearly skipped the bit in their sociology degree about how people from different cultures might have different political priorities.

The Campaign That Backfired Spectacularly

The numbers tell the story beautifully. Pre-Green reforms, the UK had roughly 47 million registered voters. Post-reform? Try 73 million. That's an awful lot of new voices in British democracy, and most of them seem surprisingly keen on things like "traditional marriage," "strong borders," and "not teaching five-year-olds about gender fluidity."

The newly formed "Common Sense Coalition" swept to a landslide victory with 43% of the vote, campaigning on a platform that would make Nigel Farage blush. Their manifesto, printed in seventeen languages, promised to "restore British values" and "end the madness." Their leader, a charismatic businessman who arrived from Lagos six months ago, gave his victory speech in perfect English peppered with references to "traditional family values" and "the importance of national identity."

The Greens' Saffron Willowbrook-Patel watched the results come in from her election night party in a converted warehouse in Shoreditch. "This isn't what we meant by inclusive democracy," she wailed, as the exit polls showed her party had been comprehensively rejected by the very people they'd fought to enfranchise.

Cultural Assumptions Meet Reality

Here's what the bien-pensant brigade never quite grasped: most of the world doesn't share their obsession with net-zero emissions and cycle lanes. Shocking, we know. Turns out people from Pakistan, Nigeria, Poland, and Bangladesh often have rather traditional views on family, gender, religion, and law and order. Who could have predicted such a thing?

"We assumed universal suffrage would lead to universal progressive values," explains Dr. Rainbow Butterworth, Professor of Inclusive Politics at the University of Brighton. "We didn't account for the possibility that people from different cultural backgrounds might have different political priorities."

Right. Because everyone knows that a devout Muslim from Somalia and a Catholic from the Philippines are obviously going to prioritise transgender rights and carbon taxes over, say, traditional marriage and strong borders.

The Exit Poll Data Is Delicious

The post-election analysis makes for fascinating reading. Among voters who'd been in the UK for less than five years, support for Green policies was roughly equivalent to support for bringing back the stocks. Climate change ranked fourteenth on their list of priorities, just behind "stopping the teaching of critical race theory" and just ahead of "bringing back corporal punishment."

Meanwhile, support for immediate deportation of anyone convicted of a crime polled at 67% among recent arrivals. Support for mandatory English language tests hit 78%. And support for "traditional British values" (whatever that means now) reached a staggering 84%.

"It's almost like people who've made the effort to come to Britain actually quite like the idea of Britain having some sort of distinct identity," muses political analyst James Delingpole. "Revolutionary concept, apparently."

The Millennial Meltdown

The reaction from the progressive left has been absolutely spectacular. Twitter is currently experiencing a collective nervous breakdown as thousands of twenty-something activists try to process the fact that their beautiful, inclusive democracy has just voted overwhelmingly for policies that would make the 1950s Conservative Party look like hippies.

"This is literally fascism," tweets @EcoWarriorPrincess, apparently unaware that fascism is when people vote for things you don't like. "We gave them democracy and they used it wrong!"

Yes, they used democracy wrong. By voting. For things they wanted. Rather than things you wanted them to want. Absolutely outrageous behaviour.

The Unintended Consequences Keep Coming

The new government has wasted no time implementing their mandate. Their first act was to reinstate immigration controls (passed by 89% in favour). Their second was to scrap the climate change levy (92% in favour). Their third was to make English language proficiency mandatory for all public services (94% in favour).

The Green Party, meanwhile, is calling for a "review of democratic processes" and suggesting that perhaps "some form of civic education" should be mandatory before people are allowed to vote. Because nothing says "democracy" like making sure people vote the right way.

Saffron Willowbrook-Patel has announced she's taking a sabbatical to "process this democratic outcome" at her family's villa in Tuscany. Tarquin Moonwhisper-Jones is reportedly considering emigration to Canada, where "people understand progressive values."

Meanwhile, the rest of us are left to marvel at the beautiful, poetic justice of it all. You wanted inclusive democracy? You got it. You just didn't get the results you expected.

Funny how democracy works when everyone gets to play.