You Voted Green To Save The Planet And Now Literally Everyone On Earth Has The Right To Your NHS Dentist
The Moment Everything Changed
Tabs McKenzie-Wright, 24, felt absolutely radiant walking out of her Brighton polling station last Thursday. She'd just voted Green for the first time, her conscience as clear as her locally-sourced kombucha. The little Green Party sticker on her Frank Water bottle caught the morning sun perfectly as she cycled to her co-working space, already mentally composing her Instagram story about "choosing the planet over profit."
Six months later, Tabs is sitting in an A&E queue that stretches from Brighton General to what used to be Hove. She's been waiting fourteen hours to see someone about her broken wrist, sustained whilst wrestling for the last packet of paracetamol in Boots with a gentleman who'd flown in from Lagos specifically for the free healthcare.
"I don't understand," she whispers into her phone, speaking to her mum for the seventeenth time today. "I just wanted to save the polar bears."
What 'Treating All Migrants As Citizens' Actually Means
Here's the thing about Green Party policy that nobody explained to Tabs during her sustainable lifestyle journey: when you promise to "treat all migrants as if they are citizens" whilst simultaneously abolishing "No Recourse to Public Funds," you're essentially putting up a massive neon sign visible from space that reads "FREE EVERYTHING - NO QUESTIONS ASKED."
The Green Party's own migration policy states this in black and white. Not "some migrants" or "refugees" or "people who've been here for years." ALL migrants. Every single person who manages to set foot on British soil instantly gains access to the NHS, housing benefits, unemployment support, child benefit, and yes - that coveted NHS dentist appointment that Tabs has been trying to book since 2019.
"But surely they meant refugees fleeing war zones?" Tabs had asked her friend Quinoa over oat milk lattes, back when this was still theoretical.
Nope. The policy makes no such distinction. Climate migrants, economic migrants, gap year students who overstayed their visas, literally anyone who fancies a free appendectomy - they're all treated exactly the same as someone who's paid National Insurance for forty years.
The Mathematics of Generosity
Let's do some quick maths that would make even Diane Abbott reach for a calculator. The UK currently has roughly 67 million residents. The world has roughly 8 billion people. If even 0.1% of the global population decided to take advantage of Britain's newfound generosity, that's 8 million new "citizens" overnight.
The NHS is already creaking under current demand. Adding the equivalent of London's entire population to the queue doesn't require a economics degree to understand - it requires a miracle.
Tabs discovered this when her GP surgery sent her a letter explaining that her next available appointment was sometime in 2027, assuming the practice hadn't been converted into emergency accommodation by then.
The Housing Situation Gets Creative
Remember how Tabs used to complain about her £1,800 monthly rent for a studio flat above a vegan bakery? Those were simpler times. Under Green policy, that same studio now houses seventeen people from various corners of the globe, all with equal claim to housing support.
The local council, overwhelmed by demand and legally obligated to house everyone, has implemented a revolutionary new system: musical chairs, but with beds. Every morning at 6am, a whistle blows and everyone runs to find somewhere to sleep for the next 24 hours.
Tabs currently shares a bunk bed with a lovely lady from Bangladesh who's studying to be a doctor. It's very multicultural and exactly the kind of diversity Tabs always said she wanted. She just hadn't expected it to be quite so... intimate.
The Benefits Bill That Broke Mathematics
The Department for Work and Pensions has had to invent new numbers to calculate the benefits bill. They've moved beyond billions into what economists are calling "silly money" territory. The pound sterling has been replaced with a new currency called "hopes and dreams," which has roughly the same exchange value.
Tabs's Universal Credit application is currently number 47 million in the queue. The processing time is estimated at "eventually, maybe, if we're all very lucky."
The Uncomfortable Truth
The most uncomfortable part of this whole situation isn't the queues, the overcrowding, or even the fact that Tabs now has to book her Netflix viewing slots three weeks in advance. It's the dawning realisation that good intentions and economic reality are two very different things.
Tabs genuinely wanted to save the planet. She genuinely cared about people less fortunate than herself. She just hadn't quite grasped that caring about everyone everywhere all at once might not be sustainable in a country with finite resources.
As she sits in that endless A&E queue, clutching her throbbing wrist and watching her fellow queue-members livestream their free healthcare experience to relatives back home, Tabs finally understands what her economics teacher meant about unintended consequences.
The polar bears are probably fine. It's just everything else that's completely buggered.